The Vèlo-Vegan

Kinship

2009-03-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

...the Hobo-Flex's long lost sibling, found.

So I was cruising through craigslist this morning (actually it was five in the afternoon, but that consitutes "morning" for me), when I came across an interesting post in the Bikes section.

[I know that it's very BikeSnob of me to do the "hey, look at this interesting thing I found on craigslist," thing, but I couldn't help it on this occasion. You'll soon see why.]

Exercise bike - $15

The text reads:

Selling a Sears exercise bicycle. Call Bob at [Deleted]. Get started on your New Year's resolutions.

This photo came to me as a shock.

Could this be it? Have I finally found the sole remaining hobo-flex?!

For those of you not yet familiar with Hobo-Flex mythology, let me fill you in:

Hobo-Flex Mythology

In the beginning, there was the Hobo-Flex. It created the heavens and the earth, blah blah--I think that's how it goes.

So, now you can see how important this is to me! If I were to acquire this second Hobo-Flex, and bring the two into close proximity--that is, after I've found the amulet of T'lax'n'or and spoken the forbidden verses from the Cyclonomicron--the product of this forbidden union would be an awkward and impractical exercise bike of such power....well, I shouldn't think about that. And of course, my newfound power would be overwhelming, but I would be only a pawn to the Hobo-Flexes' will.

Besides, the amulet of T'lax'n'or is, like, 500 bucks, and I really just don't have the cash for that right now.

A few things

2009-02-23T01:13:00.001-08:00

...that don't deserve individual posts.

I made my vegan curry again tonight. The good news: I think I'm very close to getting it to the point of non-nasty (the point at which I'm no longer ashamed to be eating it). I'm not sure what I did differently, maybe adjusted the curry powder to cayenne ratio, more soymilk, and um....oh yeah, duh, the PCP. I laced it with PCP, that's it.

Speaking of things that are nasty, let's talk about old people. The other day, I was cycling back from school, fighting the southern wind (and my new PCP addiction), when I witnessed an older couple, slowly pedaling down the road, on what I assumed to be the bicycle equivalent of a stroll. Let me tell you, it was a-dor-ah-bleh. And, in that fleeting moment, I considered what it meant to age, and wondered whether or not I would find someone with whom I could cruise the blocks (on cruiser bikes, even), until that inevitable day when one of us would die, leaving the other to be concomitantly buried alive in a final gesture of committment.

But, in the next fleeting moment, I was cut off by a sorostitute in a Tahoe (because you can't spell Tahoe without a...), and soon returned to muttering expletives under the breath of the wind.

What a nice day that was.

Curse of the Aztecs

2009-02-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

...pure evil. Manifest in a flat tire.

This curse, which stewed maliciously for hundreds of years, began with Abraham Lincoln.

More specifically, it began with today's Thinkin' Lincoln. A simple webcomic? I think not. Rather, I found that it was a harbinger of doom, or more specifically, a harbinger of sharp objects embedded in bike tires.

I got a flat, is what I'm trying to say.

Surely you know what it feels like to get ready for school, eagerly shoving books into your backpack/satchel, whistling a happy tune, eager for the learning which will soon take place, only to find that your only mode of transportation (other than the bus...or my car, I suppose) has been cruelly struck down by a wimpy, flaccid tire.

As you've probably guessed, I found myself in this very situation today. Investigating further, I found that the reason for the air-pressure-deficit was none other than two unnaturally sharp bits of rock.

Coincidence?! I think not!

Sure, the rocks weren't exactly obsidian, and probably not Aztec in origin. Also I wasn't decapitated, as I surely would have been, had the rocks been any more cursed.

So I replaced the tube, but not before making several human sacrifices upon it to the god of bicycles.

Yes, alright, I killed a couple of people, what was I supposed to do? Animal sacrifices are so immoral...

Efficiency

2009-02-15T22:22:00.000-08:00

...I haz it.

So I came across an interesting graphic today; and because I love to shove statistics in your eager little faces, I'll share it with you.

Here it is. [Click here for the actual link, with full-sized image.]

Now, what I get out of the graph is this:

The bicycle, basically, is the most efficient form of transportation. EVAR. And though it might not be the fastest, apparently it would only cost me about 16 whoppers to travel 350 miles.

Wait a sec, let's figure this out. These numbers are based on the whopper with cheese, a fat-bomb which will provide you with about 770 calories of energy (and more, if you're into mayo, but you're reading a vegan blog, so I'll assume not). Now, I'm not going to be eating the whopper; if anything, I'll be chowing down on the infamous BK veggie (which I'm pretty sure isn't completely vegan, even sans fromage). But anyway. The Veg only has about 420 Cals, which means that I'm going to have to eat about 29-30 of them on my 350 mile journey.

The question I'm eventually going to ask is, is this worth it?

Given that the BK veggie retails at about $2.99, the total cost of the trip would come to about $87.61, which doesn't sound too bad, but let's compare that with the car.

On your drive, assuming that you don't stop (at a friendly neighborhood Burger King!) to eat, the cost of the trip is going to be about the price of 13 gallons of gas. At an average of $2.00 a gallon, that comes out to be $26....$61 dollars less than riding a bike...

Gasp! What have I done?!

Curses, I meant to rig the math so that it turned out that the bike truly is the best of all possible worlds. But nay, dear reader, it seems that gasoline is once again cheaper than junk food.

I guess the moral of this story would have to be that bikes are still far more practical for short trips. And even though the car is more cost and time efficient over long drives, it's still to be avoided at all costs for those spurious trips about town. Also, for health reasons, you probably shouldn't eat at Burger King, even though they do have a pretty slick website.

EDIT: Wait! Wait! I've done it! Alright, here we go. If you repeat that calculation, but this time using ramen noodle packets (the oriental is the only flavor that's vegan and appealing, btw), it turns out that you'd only have to eat 65 packets at about 12 cents apiece. Bringing you, my hungry hungry cyclist, to a grand total of only $7.78 for the entire 350 miles. Haha! We win again!

EDIT: Apparently my favorite brand of Oriental Ramen Noodles are no longer vegan either...you'll have to find another food to power your vegan-biking adventures.

The AHT show

2009-02-14T01:23:00.000-08:00

...or how I singlehandedly revived the art of the drum circle.

We live in exciting times, and myself especially so. These last few weeks have been a constant whirlwind of tremendous and noteworthy events--events which have been so...um...eventful, that, if I were to blog them, your heads would instantly implode under the extreme mass of the awesomeness. Your brains, upon reading of my deeds, would literally collapse into the infamous "Singularity of Overwhelming Excitedness."

Oh well, let's risk it, here's what I've been doing:

Saved nine kittens from four separate burning buildings.
Disarmed a nuclear warhead using only a teabag and some wax-paper.
Formulated the grand unified theory, in my head.
Misplaced my pen, subsequently forgetting the aforementioned theory.
Attempted the Ramen Challenge, only to fail miserably.
Went to a local AHT show, put on by the local AHTist coalition.

It's the last of these items I wish to discuss with you today. If only because it happens to be the most recent in my memory. The rest, I'm afraid, are smothered in too much of an adrenaline-induced haze to be recollected clearly.

Anyway, AHT show.

It's theme was that of Tainted Love (not necessarily the song, although it would make good mood music for this post), and featured angst-riddled tributes to lost love in the form of poetry, paintings, and poi. Oh, and formal cat portraits.

I wish I had more to show, but yet again my camera failed me by dying at the least opportune moment. Of all of the fabulous examples of artistic creation there that night, the only photo--THE ONLY PHOTO--was the blurry example featured above. But I guess that, in a way, it shows the transient nature of the art scene.

It will all be forgotten tomorrow.

Or not, some of it was pretty good. We'll see.

Oh, and they had free wine (classy), though it was from a jug and served in plastic cups (not so much).

Vegan Recipe of the Day: A hastily thrown together curry recipe!

2009-01-27T01:54:00.001-08:00

...because the roads are icy and I've been riding the bus!

Yeah, I know, I've let you all down. I'm not the ultra badass biker I make myself out to be. The thing is, though, that I don't want to die--which would surely happen if Lucy and I ventured out onto ice-slick streets.

So I've decided to do some cooking! And to present to you, my first, fully original, vegan recipe of the day! Mind you, if you're considering making this for yourself, that I had no idea what I was doing when I conceived of this dish. In other words, don't blame me when it (inevitably) turns out nasty.

Hastily Thrown Together Curry

A lovely, poorly-focused image of the carnage which is to ensue

Serves: two (or one, if you eat like I do)

As you probably remember, I alluded to this day in my last recipe, in which I stated that I was determined to do something with my mistakenly purchased curry powder. This, my friends, is the fruition of that dream: a slightly spicy curry which is probably nowhere near the real thing.

Here we go.

Ingredients:

(1/2) yellow onion
2 cloves garlic
(1/2) bag stirfry mix (it's what I had, okay? back off. Also, feel free to substitute real vegetables for this one)
1 tspn yellow curry powder
1 tspn powdered cayenne pepper
(1/4) cup water
(1/4) cup soy or coconut milk
1 tspn vegetable oil

First off, throw your roughly chopped onion, finely minced garlic, water, and oil into a pan to saute. (the oil is especially important, since the oily components of the garlic, supposedly very good for you, will not dissolve properly into water) When the house is filled with that distinctive vampire-killing aroma, you're going to add in the spices and the rest of the veg. Feel free to adjust the amount of cayenne to your liking, but for now, make it a bit spicier that you'd normally take it, since the soy/coconut milk we're adding in later will dilute a bit of that. Once the veg mixture is happy, mix in the soy milk, reduce heat, and let it simmer for about 10 minutes on low heat. When this step is done, bring it back up to the piping-hot serving temperature (by now your kitchen may be smelling like an indian brothel, this is a good sign) and serve the mixture over steamed rice (I added salt/pepper/paprika to my rice for a bit more flavor/color).

Now, before you taste it once, gag, and throw it out, remember that we made this adventure together, and it's probably your fault if it's nasty.

Thanks, and bon appetit.

Bike-on-bike action!

2009-01-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

...and by "action," I don't mean bike-pr0n (yeah, I know what you sick people come here for)

I meant, dear readers, that my bike, Lucy, and I were involved in a collision today. And yes, don't worry. Be assured that both bikes were unscathed (or at the very least, very lightly scathed). And so, the tale begins...

It was early morning, with the chill of the dawn laying heavily upon the air...when suddenly, disaster struck. (dum dum dummmm <--dramatic minor or augmented chord)

Nope, hold on. I don't think I'm properly conveying the intended tone of this post. If you need some mood music, open this in a tab whilst reading. (Or if you're feeling like something a bit more whimsical, try this)

Have you gotten it going? Good, let's continue.

So, I hit a dude with my bike.

As usual, I was barreling through campus with little to no regard for the safety of pedestrians, when ahead, streaking across the clearly-marked-"no bike"-crosswalk, another safety disregarding, barreling cyclist crossed my path. Now, I say "crossed my path," in the sense that, Lucy's front tire jammed into [as of yet unnamed bike's] front wheel, at which point both riders and their concomitant bicycles fell to the ground.

Before I continue, I'd like to take this moment to note that I did have time to react. My cat-like reflexes kicked in just in time, allowing me the wherewithal to shout, "whoa, whoa, WHOA!" before impact. However, my apparently sloth-like motor skills did not kick in, since I was spending that precious second between the realization and impact shouting in terror, i.e. NOT BRAKING.

Anyway, we're on the ground...but I spring up quickly, preparing (bravely) for the imminent pummeling, and turn to face my rival. "What? :o" I think, inserting an incredulous emoticon at the end of my thought-sentence, "an old dude? Oh great, it's not going to look good, at all, when he pummels me." Actually, let me rephrase. I shouldn't say "old," he was pretty spry for a guy looking fifty, especially when he jumped up and started to chuckle (at our situation, not in a maniacal way). When I soon realized that the pummeling situation was (hopefully) diffused, we exchanged the usual, "Are you all right? / Naw, it was totally my fault / I was just headed to class / How's the bike?" convo. Turns out everything was okay.

Then came the fifty-year-old guy, swooping in with a bro-hug.

And there I stood, amidst the crowds of students rushing to class, in the street, being embraced by a man I had met seconds before. It was a bit weird, but certainly better than the no-holds-barred, you-bent-my-bianchi, hipster beatdown I was expecting.

And, I guess that's about it. I straightened my front wheel and biked the rest of the way to class. Though I will say, for my first major accident involving a second party, it wasn't really that bad. Sure there was a bit of awkwardness involved, and I could have broken a guy's hip today, but I think that it's more important that we pay attention to the moral of the story:

Don't hit people with your bicycle, it leads to awkward moments.

Remember when movies used to be good?

2009-01-19T14:37:00.001-08:00

...the high water mark in bicycle boogie.

Lucy's lost some weight

2009-01-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

...(alternate, more pervy title: Lucy's been stripped down)

About a week ago, I noticed that on my many death-defying adventures about town, I was feeling a bit bogged down. First I thought to blame my level of PHYSICAL FITNESS, which probably isn't the greatest, considering the lack of time spent on the bike in these few winter months. But when my egoistic instincts kicked in, I felt that the blame needed to be placed elsewhere. I looked to my bike, Lucy, instead.

I found that I had fallen into the treacherous and self-perpetuating trap which befalls many cyclist - triathletes, most notably. Namely, this: I had too much crap on my bike.

Now I'm (hopefully) not going to become one of those guys who cares about weight over style or function, nor am I going to start measuring my burden in tenths of grams. However, I took it upon myself to do a little bit of weight management, taking everything unnecessary off of the bike.

When I finished I found a pile at my feet, comprised of all of those things which fall into the "well, that might someday be useful" category. As you can see in the following photo, these are the things which have been, at some point, strapped, bolted, or duct-taped to my bike.

The list includes: Steel/Teflon cable lock, LED head/tail light set, emergency flat repair kit, spare reflectors (front, rear, and wheel-mounted), adjustable bottle holder, high-PSI hand-pump, multitool, spare tube, handlebar-mounted horn (for comedic effect), and, that's right, a GPS speedometer/navigation system.

Granted, all of these things are useful for their purposes. But the trap to which I previously alluded was the fallacious thinking that I needed all of them for every ride. For example, if I'm just popping down to the coffee shop at midday, I only need exactly one of these items - and not even that if I'm taking my bike into the shop with me. So I've simply done away with them until I know I'll be requiring their services. Now, Lucy is looking slimmer than ever, riding very well after a bit of a tune-up and some new chain oil, and we're off to the races (figuratively).

Simplify, simplify, simplify. That's my motto. (also Thoreau, coincidentally, who I can only presume got it from me)

However.

The punchline to this particular story, and also the take-home message is this. Check the basic functioning of the bike before you start forcibly removing items from your bike. It turns out, that the underlying reason for Lucy's sluggish responsiveness was nothing more than a maladjusted rear brake set, which had picked up some tension and was (apparently) constantly rubbing the back rim. I was, in effect, pedaling and braking at the same time, all the time.

So there you have it. Simplify. But also, don't be dumb.

Back from the abyss

2009-01-15T02:20:00.000-08:00

...so here's a post about a raccoon.

Well, as you all know, I've just returned from an unplanned and unannounced hiatus from the blogging life. Since school's just begun again, I've needed to take some time to catch up on some all-important video gaming. But I'm back now, with some very exciting news.

I have a new friend. His(?) name is Rasputin.

In order to properly introduce my new animal companion, I need to begin with a tale of horror and redemption, which I will call: The tale of Horror and Redemption.

It all started last week, on a dark, moonlit night. I was taking out a bit of trash when I heard a strange rustling in the bin. Living in a college town, as I do, I thought nothing of it. To make myself heard, I inquired, "Um...is somebody dumpster diving in there?"

I received no reply.

As I inched closer to the trash bins, the noise abruptly stopped. Whoever, or whatever, was in the trash was aware of my presence. In a fit of bravery, I tossed the bag in and scurried (bravely) back to the apartment.

I soon finished crying (bravely) and set out once again with a flashlight, intent on discovering the true nature of this strange occurrence. I obtained this photo.

Okay, fine...I cowered in fear before taking a proper shot. The thing was growling at me, what was I supposed to do? So for the second shot, I waited out the length of the flash, ducked behind the wall of the enclosure (valiantly protecting myself from the imminent dose of rabies) and stuck my camera over the fence.

I knew the face of my enemy. I thought that the ordeal was over. I was wrong.

On a second night, I returned to the trash bins and heard the tell-tale rustling once again. This time, knowing exactly what I was dealing with, I tossed my trash in and scurried back to the apartment. A bit more crying, a search for my camera, and back I went, this time with peace offering in hand.

I tossed in an apple, (because I am a friend to all animals, and also aware of what a diet of leftover hot-n-ready's will do to your health) and again took a photo from behind the enclosure.

I once again found the raccoon, which, as previously alluded, is now named Rasputin, hungrily chomping on the bit of fresh fruit. The deed was done.

Rasputin and I are now BFF, even though I have yet to see him again, and if I were to see him again, he'd probably waste not a thought about gleefully giving me some kind of disease. We'll see how this friendship works out.

Training for the Oklahoma Freewheel

2009-01-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

...so that the week-long ride doesn't murder me.

Every summer, around mid-June, over 1,000 crazy people line up at the southern border of Oklahoma, and prepare themselves to trek northward across the state. This is a 7-day affair, which means that you're pulling 50-70 miles per day. Rough.

So I've gotten up the nerve to try this, which means that I need to be in PRIME PHYSICAL CONDITION when I attempt this ride. It's the tour de oklahoma, if you will, and I need to be able to finish without dying.

So yesterday I went running. That's right, I had the gall to leave Lucy at home and exercise without her. Down at the local park/running trail/lake, I ran an easy 2.5 miles. Which brings up an important question:

When did running get so hard?!

I guess that I'm used to being on the bike, but, holy crap do my legs hurt today. I really don't get it. I can go 60 miles on a bike and be tired the next day, yes. But I try and go 2.5 - that's less than a 5k, mind you - and it seems that the fires of hell have taken up residence in my quads.

This tells me two things:

1.) That the bicycle is a wonder of human achievement and a marvelous example of efficiency.

2.) I'm out of shape.

That's all for today. I'm going to ice my calves for a while, maybe do some yoga. My hamstrings are also obviously very angry with me.

Gonna get me a leather hat!

2009-01-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

...because I'm the kind of guy who wears leather hats.

Since new years I've been really bummed out, man. I mean, I had to pawn the wedding rings from my first and second marriages to pay the rent, my new girl, Jocelyn, dumped me, and I'm beginning to get a real strange rash. I'm startin to see why january is the month with the most suicides, cuz one of those is looken pretty good right now.

But just when I was feeling worst, I get this in the mail.

Holy crap. This is what I need.

You can see from the ad that (the guy who looks like) Vince Vaughn looks pretty sad, but that--on the inside--he knows that he's superbadass in his new leather hat. Check it out, man, they come in FOUR DIFFERENT STYLES. Ima get me one for every day of the week, brother!

Look at how cheap them shits are, too!

This is it. I'm writing the check, right now, and I'm gonna get to starting my brand new life. You know why I love leather so much? Because somebody hadta kill somethin for me to get it. Badass. When I get these in, I'm gonna go down to the mall with my wolf shirt on, throw on one of my many leather hats, and start reeling in the chicks in no-time. Whoo!

Gotta go, I can't send in my check and/or money order at the same time I'm typing!

Sincerely,

The guy who loves leather hats.

Seriously, I got this in the mail. Now, no offense to those of you who like leather hats--wait, yes. Yes, offense to you leather hat likers. Do you know who else likes to wear leather? Cows.

btw, if you haven't already, click on the wolf shirt link and read the comments. It's the best product ever invented.

A series of adventures

2008-12-31T23:51:00.000-08:00

...which ultimately led me back to where I began.

This tale begins a few days ago--monday, to be precise--when I felt coming upon me a bit of wanderlust. Knowing that time was precious, I immediately set out to satiate my desire for adventure by sleeping for several more hours, following that with a short lunch, downloading weather software to check the outside temperature, after which I had another snack before stepping outside to confirm the internet's report of the weather, finally putting some shoes on, taking a short afternoon nap, and finally--nearly 4 o'clock by this point--hopping on Lucy, ready for a journey.

For my first stop, I headed to campus to return a few books, both of which were tragically overdue. I used a special route I planned for just this very occasion, a route which took me far around the fraternaties and sporting fields. You may ask the reason for this odd detour, and the answer is simple: I would have surely been pummeled into dust by any "jock" or "frastard" (frat+bastard, it's the best I could come up with) catching me with both An Introduction to Tensor Calculus and Astrophysics of the Sun tucked in my satchel. Nevertheless, the campus was sufficiently emptied by the holiday break such that I was able to steal away to the library drop slot unnoticed by any heavy-knuckled mouth-breathers. (I know, I'm currently in a program to deal with my long suppressed nerd-rage) On my way off campus, I noticed that I wasn't the only one taking advantage of the nearly empty campus. I found these two bikes in the midst of a highly inappropriate act, in broad daylight, mind you.

Bike pr0n after the jump.

With my duties fulfilled, it was off to have some fun. I strapped on my satchel and braved a bit of traffic to bike down to the local park, the only park in town to have actual trees, rather than just a tangle of brightly colored plastic and metal placed in the middle of a giant hampster's enclosure. I leaned Lucy against a tree and sat to read. I brought a Dostoevsky with me, because in my spare time I enjoy looking pretentious. I sat down to read, in a spot carefully chosen so as to be as maximally distant from the incessancy of the noisily frolicking children about. (In addition to my nerd-rage, I also hate children. *The more you know...*) Anyway, I had a very pleasant time in the park, something I blogged about in more detail on my sister blog--check it out, won't you?

Thus, with the sun slowly setting, I ended my journey, as I often do, with a trip to the hipster coffee shop. I was engrossed in the reading, and found that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be simultaneously ironic, aloof, and pretentious. Also, at this point I'd love to present a photo of the overweight woman I spied there, sitting asleep at one of the front tables, apparently taking a nap while knitting. It was a scene worthy of tableaux, but I was too camera-shy in the crowded room to take advantage of this poor woman. You'll just have to take my word for it.

I've just realized that this will mark the first post of 2009. Happy New Year, if you care for things like that.

Twitter Updates Up!

2008-12-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

Check out the sidebar, I've added a new twitter widget (sounds dirty).

The last day of Festivus

2008-12-26T17:40:00.000-08:00

...how I single-handedly saved Festivus.

Tonight I drove into the sinking sun on my way back to Stilly (that is, Stillwater, but only residents have the right to call it "Stilly"--same thing with Philidelphia). It was the end of a short stay at the Parents' house for some celebration of Christmas and commercialism, a stay during which I spent a lot of money, recieved some gifts, and spent zero hours on my bike, even though I had promised to get some cycling in. It was with a somber mood that I purposefully turned the radio off and prepared my mind for some musings.

Long drives are really great. They're a lot like long bike rides, except for the fact that you're never worried about the headwind, the next hill, or what gear you happen to be in. In other words, they're really great for some relaxing philosophical thought. With the spectre of economics news still fresh in my head (I had been listening to Marketplace, on NPR), I tried to think of something philosophical to ponder. I couldn't. Eventually I reverted back to my old ways and spent some time singing along with a Barry White tune.

I probably should have been thinking about how I would spend this, the last day of Festivus. It's a made-up holiday (though, aren't they all?) which is usually attributed to the writers of Seinfeld. I celebrate my own version of the holiday, which sticks with Festivus tradition, but has a few extra tweaks. The main attraction, instead of the menorah or decorated tree, is an unadorned, lusterless aluminum pole. Why? It's got a high strength to weight ratio. It also represents the heart of Festivus, the stripping down of the commercial holiday which Christmas in particular has become. There aren't any presents in my version of Festivus, which begins on December 21st, the birthday of my lord and savior, Samuel L. Jackson, and ends on December 26th, so I get to celebrate for one day after the Christmas festivities proper are done. There really aren't many other facets to this celebration, other than maintaining a healthy distain for Christmas throughout these six days.

But wait, you may rightly ask me, didn't you say in your first paragraph that you bought and recieved presents? That sounds a whole lot like Christmas commercialism to me.

Okay, you got me. I do celebrate Christmas, loosely, even though I believe the "reason for the season" is as fake as Santa himself. I partake in the gift giving aspects of the holiday because, well, I like presents. Sue me.

Speaking of which, Lucy got a really sweet LED head and tail light set today, with which I braved the darkness of mid-afternoon to pedal down to the Yuppie Coffee Shop (much closer than the Hipster Coffee Shop, but much less ironic) and purchased a really nasty soy-latte. Side Note: Never go to the Yuppie Coffee Shop. It's very consistently nasty.

Anyway, I'm sitting here, ignoring my brimstone-tasting drink, writing this post, and keeping Festivus alive. You see, because the miracle of Festivus is that it exists solely in the minds and hearts of those who practice it, and by nurturing its little flame of non-denominational holiday-like goodness, I have, as I attested in my subtitle, saved festivus. Is that kind of a let-down? I try to write big lead ups to the conclusions in my posts, but I guess they just never come out right.

Oh well, here it is.

Happy Festivus! Screw you, Christmas!

Not much doing...Part II

2008-12-18T18:20:00.000-08:00

...or, why I had to drive to the coffee shop.

Here I am, dejected and ashamed, riding the velvety wings of a soy latte all the way to my latest post (this one). I must tell you, the weather here has been, and still is, terrible. For the last three days it's been nothing but a nightmarish parade of bike-endangering road conditions. Two of the days in question were marred by the combination of ice, snow, and subfreezing conditions, covering the road in a thin film of "throw-your-bike-out-from-under-your-feet" and "slam-your-head-against-the-road-in-incoming-traffic". Today, although the weather seems to be getting slightly more tolerable, was still covered in "rain-slick-pavement-of-death" and "oh-I'm-sorry-were-you-planning-on-seeing-for-more-than-three-feet-in-front-of-you?" fog. It's getting bad; I haven't seen the sun in four days.

So, here I am, midway through my caffeine and soy-based dairy-facsimile beverage, writing to you in desperation. I haven't biked for three days, dear reader, and it's tearing me up inside. For FSM's sake, I had to drive to the local hipster coffee shop (in which I happen to be writing). Drive. It's because I was so ashamed of this that I to parked about a block down the road, around the corner, coasted for the last block with my lights off, threw the camo-netting over the top of the car, dove for cover behind a lamppost when a hipster-looking person glanced my way, and crept, MGS style, around the corner, and into the safety of the shop. I considered even rolling up my pant legs, and walking in as if out of breath, but my subterfuge would be too quickly found out, and the hipster shunning which would ensue would be epic in its sadness.

Therefore, here I am. I don't even have anything especially vegan to say, other than maybe, "Soy latte's are pretty good," or, "you probably shouldn't eat animals, it's not good for the planet." But we all know that, by now.

Here I am. There you are. We're all here. Together.

Have fun. I'll try to get back on the bike soon.

Vegan Recipe of the Day - Black Bean Soup

2008-12-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

...that's right, a proper recipe.

I felt myself become ambitious today. Finally done with classes, taking a break from work, and finally getting over my crack addiction, I was ready to cook. Today's recipe can also be found at this address. I'm usually not one for complicated meals, and this one is no exception; in fact, the rest of the recipes found on the aforementioned vegan site all look fairly easy.

Alright, let's get started. Here's the recipe, point blank.

Black Bean Soup

This hearty black bean soup is a perfect dish for a cold winter day.

vs.

Serves 2

1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 15-ounce cans of black beans, rinsed
1 ½ to 2 cups water
½ teaspoon chili powder
½ teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon cayenne (optional)
½ teaspoon cumin

Saute the onions and minced garlic in a 1/4 cup of water in a nonstick saucepan. Once the onions have become translucent, place the onions and garlic in a large stockpot. Add the rinsed beans, water, and spices. Simmer over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Taste-test the soup after 20 minutes and remove from heat once the beans are cooked to your liking.

For a slightly different taste, add frozen or fresh vegetables such as chopped carrots, kale, or broccoli.

My Notes:

I whipped this up this morning, and I had a few things to mention, based on my own experience with the dish. First, absolutely use the optional cayenne pepper. I couldn't imagine this soup without it; it adds a bit more flavor to what could potentially be a pretty bland soup. Second, when you go to the store to buy cumin, don't come home with curry powder. I did. Because I'm dumb. I can't read labels properly. (Look for the next vegan recipe: Something using curry powder!) Lastly, the recipe calls for a whole onion. I would probably half that, unless you just have smaller onions than I do. I used one whole this morning and it came out a bit onion-heavy. Don't get me wrong, it was still amazingly good, but I think it could definitely do with just a half to three quarters of a mid-range onion.

Thanks again to the Compassionate Action for Animals website for the use of the recipe.

Not much doing.

2008-12-10T02:48:00.000-08:00

...so here's a nice video to watch.

I love the winter, but I'm beginning to hate the snow. It's keeping me inside.

In the meantime, enjoy this sunny video of a NYC Bike Messenger race, I'll expect you to be taking notes.

It's a funny thing, though, riding in traffic. I've been thinking a lot about it recently, mainly about how agile bikes can be in these kinds of situations. Sure, in a flat stretch, the cars will win hands down, but it's when things really start to get gritty that rolling on two wheels and a few pounds of aluminum can really give you the edge. If, for instance, I need to hop onto the sidewalk to bypass an obstacle--I will--if I need to slip past several cars on a busy road--you bet I will--and the best part is that I can do all of these things with the grace and finesse that only a bike will allow.

Two-wheeled perspective - Alleyway AHT

2008-12-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

There are certain things you just can't see from a car. This latest gallery comes from the alley behind the hipster coffee shop; and I'm frankly not surprised to see such a high AHT-density next to the building in which the most highly-caffeinated art-history majors seem to dwell. I know that it sounds as though I'm making fun (because I am), but I did just spend the night there reading philosophy and inhaling soy-latte. Actually, I may just be bitter because thusfar I've failed in my attempts to fully assimilate into their herd. Anyway.

Enjoy.

Mr. T. Owns You

Live for the Moment.
And, if you weren't aware, this is a fact.

Hilary [sic] is a BAMF
For more information, see this clip.

American Flag
Very reminiscent of Jasper Johns
(Actually, while I was looking up that image, this one doesn't look anything like my mental picture of the Johns Painting. Oh well, you get the point.)

every ONE Need a Hobby.

Untitled
I'm very impressed by this one, so I saved it for last.

Going there by bike - OMYGOD it's freezing out here!

2008-12-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

...literally.

There are those who think I'm mad. These are the same people who watch me saunter into class with my top half completely bundled (underjacket, jacket, scarf, gloves, hat) into a bulletproof mass of insulation, while my bottom half is clad in nothing more than a pair of rolled-up jeans and flip-flops. Don't worry, I do this on purpose, people, it's completely utilitarian. Though once you get past their incredulity at needing to bike comfortably whilst in winter weather gear, they still bring up the inevitable question of, "Well, why the hell are you still biking? It's, like, thirty outside!"

*scoff scoff*

Of course it is. How else am I going to prove just how hardcore I am? But seriously. It's either bike to school, and endure ten minutes of cold, or take the bus, and endure the bus. Don't get me wrong, I love public transportation, and the buses in town are very prompt, they have good routes, and are generally very convenient. But, they're filled with...college kids...ooh! just saying that out loud makes me quiver with fear and rage.

So it looks like I'm stuck biking. I had a pretty good trial run yesterday, even though, on the way home, my favorite pink scarf got severely caught in my wheel. In addition to stopping the forward motion of the bike (bad), the tightening, pink menace nearly took my head off (also bad).

Weekend Bike Excursion!

2008-11-30T21:23:00.000-08:00

...well, maybe not.

Let me set the mood. Open this in a new tab, so the music can soothe you into a reading mood.

Alright, now that we're in that happy place together, let's discuss the day.

The weekends usually give the perfect opportunity for me to conduct one of my weekly cycle excursions to parts unknown (within the Stillwater city limits), but when I woke up, bright and early this afternoon I noticed that winter had finally found me. The temperature outside was barely pushing thirty degrees and dark gray clouds hung low in the frigid air...no good.

So, being the coward that I am, I chose to stay inside. But rather than hang you out to dry, I thought I'd better at least write a post about my own cowardice, and maybe even end it with a nice picture of some of the snow/sleet which fell later in the evening.

Hey, look at that. I guess I'm done.

A Vegan Thanksgiving!

2008-11-30T03:56:00.000-08:00

...or, "Why I don't want to do that anymore"

Last week we had the great tradition of Thanksgiving, a time when we can all get together with our families, eat ourselves into a coma, and celebrate the short period of time (one day) that we (Americans) weren't being bastards to the native American indians. We do this by eating what "they" say to be a close facsimile of the meal shared between the early American settlers, and those to whom the country rightly belonged. This is a holiday which is steeped in the sticky muck of false "tradition," making it a subconsciously obligatory meat-fest in the process.

It's about six in the morning right now and I'll be the first to admit that I'm too lazy to look up the statistics about how many turkeys and chickens and pigs are killed for this one day. I'll tell you, it's too many. For what purpose do we do this? I don't know, tradition? Bah. When we all realize that thanksgiving, christmas, the fourth of july, are all just normal days with someone's arbitrary cultural significance tacked on, we can start to move on and leave the shackles of the "holidays" behind us. Just because it happens to be a day which some people call, "Thanksgiving," don't let that be an excuse to blindly follow in the synchronized killing of millions of animals. Spend the day with your family, if you must, but don't ever let arbitrary cultural inventions rule your life.

To end on a slightly lighter note, here's the video of Sarah Palin, discussing Thanksgiving as, behind her, live turkeys are killed and drained of their blood. Enjoy.

Name Change and Redesign

2008-11-23T01:05:00.001-08:00

...rendering the blog only slightly different, but much more awesome than it previously was.

So I've realized that, since I've gone in a new direction with the whole thing, that it was time to change (among other things) my old title to the new extravagant, yet elegant new name for the blog. Of course I wanted to choose something that would be more on topic with the blog's nature, and I think this one works well. Velo, which Google tells me is french for bicycle, gives it a bit of European class and alliteration as well.

I've also finally changed from the default font to some sweet Trebuchet action, so the blog is officially and permanently sans serif (ooh la la, more french!).

This is the dawning of a new era, and I think that we're going to see some swanky new developments around here, so stayed tuned, dear readers, and enjoy the magic.

Vegan recipe of the day!

2008-11-22T23:49:00.001-08:00

Happy Rice!

Ingredients:
Rice
Happiness

Directions:
Cook rice, make rice happy, enjoy happy rice!

A lovely trip to Yale

2008-11-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

...which turned into a five-hour, 65-mile, spoonful of pain.

Here are some of the photos from my recent bike excursion to Yale, OK. The scenery in Oklahoma is fairly homogeneous, but some of it is okay, I guess.

A good example of the desolate roads which are perfect for distance cycling.

No, it's not just a cliche, this is 99% of Oklahoma scenery.

...and this...

Photographic proof that I actually made it there.

Bonus: Nonplussed cows staring directly at me.

The smells of Stillwater

2008-11-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

...the inexplicably smelly city.

I was riding around town today, commuting between my apartment, campus, and my third place, the local hipster coffee shop...Oh geez, I'm still in italics, aren't I?

Hold on.

Much better. Now, as I was saying, I've been on my bike quite a bit today, and I've noticed something a bit odd about the air. So far I've ruled out the following hypotheses:

1.) Love is in the air - I happen to know for a fact that this one isn't the case. Love, when in the air, tends to smell a bit like a gitmo cell: a distinct sense of disillusionment and lack of freedom. Stillwater today smells more like corn dogs and poo.

2.) The dawning of a new era - I would like to believe that after the Obama election, that the birds would be happily singing, people would be whistling merry tunes, and the mirthful creatures of the forest would be out and about, happily coexisting with humans, making apple pies and hanging American flags around. Subsequently, the inevitable smell of animal droppings would surely be drowned out by the smell of hope. This, apparently, is also not the case.

3.) Carnival in town? - Also no. I mentioned before that the offensive odor was that of corn dogs and poo, but I purposefully didn't mention that these two smells were very distinctly in different parts of the city. I bring it up now to disprove the carnival hypothesis, because the two smells coincident would be clear and distinct proof of the existence of the carnival--evidence which would be clearer than the sight of large, dangerous machinery being operated by disheveled disillusionados. (Holy crap, I thought that I made up that last word, but it's totally checking out with the google spellcheck. Yay for me.)

4.) Impending danger - This is my last good hypothesis, and, being the only one left standing, is obviously the correct one. (Yay for the scientific method!) I was almost hit by a car today...but no, that can't be it.

Looks like I'm safe, then. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to bike home in the dead of night, without head or tail lights, down a busy street, with only my limited wits and a pretty good caffeine buzz to keep me safely on two wheels.

See you tomorrow.

Critical Mass-querade!

2008-11-02T03:50:00.000-08:00

...do you see what I did there?

I was very exited about this month's critical mass. Not just because it was promised to have the highest turnout of this year, or even because I didn't have any homework to worry about that night. No, I was excited about this particular critical mass because it happened to fall on October 31. That's right, it was going to be the halloween edition of critical mass. Because there's nothing hipsters like to do more than dress up and annoy cars. Let's get going.

About half of us showed up in costume, I was there dressed as a creative writing teacher because this year I had the scraggly-man-ponytail to properly pull it off. But there were some pretty impressive costumes, which were then made more impressive by the fact that the people in them were able to cycle with, for example, ninja turtle hands and mask on.

Again, nothing too special about the ride, we had enough people this time to storm Perkins road, probably the busiest and most car-choked roadway in Stillwater. Tons of appreciative honks, a few a-hole frat boys yelling obscenities (that's what they're here for, it seems), and no major accidents.

Well, we lost two people. But we're assuming that they're okay.

Lucy's got a new pair of shoes'

2008-10-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

...also, the worst toe-stubbing in the world.

Rejoice, dear reader, for I have a tale for your enjoyment. But first, I'm afraid that you must mourn--mourn for the loss of my battery charger, for without it's electric nourishment, my camera has died. So it has come to this. A tale without visual aid, but a tale nonetheless.

But let me assure you, what this particular post may lack in flair and shine, shall be compensated ten-fold in the flourishes of my language, and soon the rhythmic clack of fingertip striking key shall fill the air like sweet music.

My tale begins long ago, with the unexpected puncture of Lucy's innocent rear tire. The layers of rubber were cruelly rent asunder by an unknown obstacle, allowing the pressurized lifeblood within to quickly and forcefully escape. I was able to act quickly, and a replacement, yes, a replacement tube was soon inserted and the lifeblood replaced, but it sadly would not be the same. No, for the gaping chasm, the unhealing wound, the gap through which the tube could burst at any moment, was still menacingly present.

And so it remained, living in an unsteady balance, until just yesterday, when the air once again found a way to burst forth, leaving me stranded, and without transportation. Do not be alarmed, dear readers, for I was fortuitously near a bus stop, where I soon boarded the massive vehicle, with crippled companion in tow. It was then, on that fateful ride, that I knew precisely what I must do.

Shortly after waking this morning, I shamefully drove myself to the cycling shop, in search of the replacement which would save Lucy's very life. Thankfully, the replacement tire which I was in such desperate need was quickly forthcoming, and I dashed home, to prepare for the surgery. The flash of the wrench, the groan of stretched rubber, and the erratic symphony of metal scraping metal filled the room to it's capacity. Soon, though, air was replaced and repressurized, bolts were firmly fastened, and the deed was done.

There she stood, restored and renewed, gleaming before me like a beacon. The new tire existing in stark contrast with the rest of the machine. Slick, clean, black rubber stood out against dusty, worn, and duct-taped, and she was whole once more. Success hung tangibly in the air, like a fine mist of happiness permeating the room with pure joy.

So let us halt the story here, so that we may have a chance to rest, and meditate on what we have heard today. Picture for yourselves, because as previously stated, I am sorrowfully unable to do so for you--picture the beauty of the machine, now fully formed and repaired beyond it's previous state. It is truly a beautiful thing, dear readers.

Oh, I almost forgot. So I stubbed my toe sooo freakin bad today. It was nuts. I was walking through my room, right? and my big toe totally nailed my piano. Let me tell you, hurt like a dicken, several dickens actually. So anyway, I look down at the thing, and it's bleeding like ka-razy, man! Totally split open. That's how hard I hit the thing. So I'm running around my apartment, trying to find a band-aid, but of course, I don't have any, so I just had to let the toe bleed itself out. Totally gnarly.

Laterz.

Flying downhill at the speed of AWESOME!!

2008-10-18T00:33:00.000-07:00

while actually going about 15-20 miles per hour.

Recently (wink, this isn't actually a week old story, wink), Sand Springs held it's first ever (to my knowledge) downhill soapbox race! (Actually a series of many one-on-one time trial events) and I was there to capture all of the action.

Although, saying that I was there capturing the action would be like saying that Hunter S. Thompson was capturing the action of the Mint 400 in Fear and Loathing. But I was physically there, taking pictures, which you'll see dispersed throughout the text, and that's what I'm trying to say.

It was a very interesting affair, and for the entire hour I was present, I was captivated. Every few minutes, the horn would blow and you'd see two kids in hastily manufactured, wheeled, death-chariots, careening down the road at relatively slow speeds until they finally anti-climaxed by plowing into either a bale of hay, a pile of sand, or each other. It was awesome.

I also realized that Sand Springs was now home to it's very own cycling shop. It happened to be on the same street as the sweet racing action, so during one of the breaks, I went in to take a look. As much as it pains me to say this...I was very disappointed. It appeared as though what they were calling a cycling shop was nothing more than two racks of tiny, tiny mountain/bmx bikes and a catalog. The people there, while coming off as slightly needy, were nice, and shoved one of their business cards into my hands as soon as they ascertained that I was horrified, as the hardcore road biker that I am, at the limited nature of their shop.

But the feeling of horror soon subsided as I entered the real world once again and was immersed in the world of juvenile street racing. Looking around at the proceedings, I was amazed to see that, in the distance, an entire section of downtown which was devoted to the gastronomic impulses of the lookers-on. There were, across the street, improvised stands selling the likes of funnel-cakes, fried [insert any item here], and cotton-candy. Of course, because whenever you've got loads of people standing around staring at asphalt, you're going to sell loads of unhealthy food.

But all good things must eventually come to an end, dear reader, and after my sister was content in buying a ridiculously overpriced bag of spun, molten sugar, we left the scene behind, which was still buzzing with activity long after we were gone.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that I spotted Rocco from Boondock Saints while I was there.

Blog Posting Insanity!

2008-10-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

Here we go. It's been a while since I've last posted (I've had a lot of sleeping to do). But now I'm back in action. Here comes the new content!

(of course, if you're reading this, then you've already read most of the new content)

There went the new content! Except for the following:

Everyday Optics!

Photo taken of my ceiling

The absolute value of a sine function.

See kids, math can be fun!

Sight-Cycling

2008-10-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've had a very boring week. I've done nothing, up to this point, that could be considered "blog-worthy." This evening, I set out, and some may say I have succeeded in my attempt, to change that.

Craving adventure, as I am wont to do, I set out from the coffee shop at which I spent a large portion of my day, in search of something--this ephemeral something I could not yet put my finger on, but I set out, regardless, to find it.

So I left. Lucy (my bike) and I wandered through the streets and alleyways of Stillwater for a time, searching for that which is inherently unsearchable.

My first encounter with the extraordinary came abruptly, when I noticed a pile of what seemed to be junk on the side of the road. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the contents of this particular pile were not the ordinary sort of junk (bits of rusty metal, slowly rotting wood, stained couches, and what-have-you) but rather rusty, slowly rotting, and stained business signs, from every type of establishment conceivable. Among those that I recognized were Conoco and Holiday Inn (as seen in the photo), and many, many more. I was slightly disappointed, because being on a bike prohibited me from stealing any of these great pieces of unintentionally modern art.

Regardless, and with my appetite for the unusual whetted, I pressed on through more parts unknown. (Side note: If you've never experienced a city completely by bike or on foot, you're completely missing out. There is a myriad of sense experiences that you are missing out on by driving a boring car through your city. Try it out some time, and pay close attention to the sights, sounds, and smells of your particular parcel of the country. For instance, I noticed today that many parts of Stillwater smell a bit like poo, and that's all part of the experience.)

Anyway, the evening was wearing on, and I was determined to continue exploring while I still was able. Hearing the sounds of drunken collegiate revelry in the distance (foreshadowing!), I came upon a very strange sight. It was some sort of monument, I guess, probably to the rail lines which used to cut through Stillwater back in the day. I was more struck, however, by the fact that I had no earthly idea why there should be a train engine, on it's own tiny set of tracks to nowhere, sitting in front of a mock station, in the middle of downtown Stillwater. In a way, though, not knowing why that train was placed there made the scene more poignant and mysterious to me. There was someone out there, I thought to myself, who cared so much about this particular train, that they enshrined it here, so that I could later find it, and wonder at its origin.

But mysticism and determinism aside, I snapped a few poorly-lit photographs of the scene and carried on. By this time, it had gotten properly dark. Lucy, with no front or rear light to guide the way, was as blind as I, as we barreled down the ill-lit streets of our town, searching for another sign.

As you probably know, there is an inverse correlation between the effort put into finding something extraordinary, and the chances of finding something extraordinary. That is, the harder you look, the less likely you are to find such a thing. Knowing this principle full well, I charged on, into the night, telling myself that I only needed to find one more exciting thing before I could go home and report my findings. And it was at that moment (roughly) that I noticed something odd. By this time I was headed roughly towards campus, and I began to see that the car-density per parking lot was increasing sharply. Nothing made this point more clear when I noticed that a bank, located very close to campus, had it's lot packed with vehicles, well into the ATM lines. What could be the cause of this?

Of course! I thought in a sudden bout of Sherlock Holmesian insight, the football game!

The OSU whatevers were playing the Texas A&M whatevers at the manly-man's sport of college football tonight. Thus, as I pierced the heart of campus, my way was consistently and frustratingly blocked by drunken revelers, orange-clad alumni, desperate to relive former days of glory, frat boys and the ever-present sorostitutes, all of whom were shouting and stumbling and generally milling about. For several square blocks, an entire tent-city had sprung from the ground, orange and white canopies protecting wide screen tv's, beer (pronounced in typical Oklahoma fashion, BEHR) coolers, and lawnchairs filled with fans. The sense impressions, which I previously alluded to, were threatening to overwhelm me as I coasted through the heart of the madness, the sights: orange masses of people moving amorphously about, clutching BEHRs and trying to cross the road, the sounds: horns honking at random, shouts of "Go Pokes!" and in reply, "F**k you!" and the smells: a strange mix of the telltale scent of an impromptu wing stand and urine.

Eventually, not caring much for the madness and debauchery concomitant with collegiate sport, I left the mob scene behind, in favor of quieter territory. And this is, I'm afraid, where today's story has to end. I'd seen quite enough for one day, perhaps even one week. I silently pedaled home, where I then sat, with my laptop in the most literal of positions (on the top of my lap), to write it all down.

Move! Book Sale!

2008-10-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

This post is a bit overdue, but I've got a bit of time while I'm not studying for my test (which I have to take in about eight hours), so I've decided to throw this in.

If there's anything that you should know about me, it's that I go absolutely [expletive deleted] for used book sales. Actually, now that I think about it, the only thing better than a used book sale is an impromptu used book sale. And this, my friends, is where I will begin the tale.

It was saturday afternoon, and I was riding my bike down to the coffee shop to waste some time, do some homework, and get some of my all-important blogging done. Suddenly, out of my periph, I spot one of those cheap, white-with-black-lettering signs which could only signal a public library book sale.

I almost fell off of my bike I braked so hard.

A quick u-turn and an inspection of the sign gave me my destination: the Stillater Public Library, which, to my ultimate delight, wasn't too far away (not that it would matter, I'd probably ride my bike to tulsa if I could just get to experience the lingering aroma of aged literature).

So I booked it to the library. Did you see what I did there? And about an hour later I left with a 20 pound stack of books (shown below), which I then had to stuff into my poor messenger bag (along with my laptop and classnotes which were already in).

The list is as follows:

1. Carl Sagan: A Life - Biography of the man himself.
2. Cosmos by Carl Sagan - An absolute classic in lay-scientific literature, you may remember the 2600 part pbs series of the same name.
3. The Panda's Thumb by S.J. Gould - One of the most important and most cited modern books on evolution. It's a classic.
4. Rendezvous with Rama by Arthur C. Clarke - One of the best SF stories by my absolute favorie science fiction (and science non-fiction, as you'll soon see) authors.
5. The Promise of Space by A.C. Clarke - A book written in the 70s about the shining future of space travel. This might be the first mention of the solar sail concept for space travel, but don't cite me on that.
6. Mathematical Tables and Formulas (3rd ed.) - This one's pretty self-explanatory. I've got a pretty good collection of these books going now, it's the third book of math tables that I now own, despite the fact that the internet and Mathematica make these completely obsolete.
7. The Dirigible Book - Written in 1936 about the exciting new field of lighter than air vessels, this children's picture book captures everything that I love in nostalgic old books. It's even got pencil drawings of flames coming out of a moored blimp--Hindinberg-style.

And, I only spent about 5 bucks.

September Critical Mass

2008-09-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Finally. I was finally able to do one of these. And let me tell you, the wait was worth it.

Around 4:45pm on friday afternoon, there was a slowly growing number of cyclists gathering at what I will refer to as the "hipster trees", just west of the OSU student union. The gaunt, bearded figures mostly spent their time milling about, riding each other's bikes/longboards, and gawking at the few brave hippies deeply engaged in slacklining.

Not too much to say about the ride, really. We took a winding path through town, bothering cars and pedestrians (read: raising cycling awareness). There was a short break about half-way through, we stopped at the local coffee shop to have a drink and round up any slackers.

Another interesting turn (bike pun? wha?) of events is that we started with around 15 people, but by the time were were turning onto the final lap, there were only five of us on road bikes left. Most of the rest had either turned off along the way to go home, or were left behind (sorry, Cassandra, we didn't notice you go) Unencumbered as the last five of us were, we booked it back to campus, five brave cyclists taking up two lanes of traffic and generally having a blast of it.

We finished the ride, laid our bikes down to rest under the shade of the hipster trees, and the sound of nicotine and caffeine pumping through hipster veins could be heard throughout campus. All in all, a good day.

On a more serious note, though, before the ride got started, there came some news that a female cyclist had been hit by a truck pulling out of a parking lot. Details were slim, but bearers of the news reported seeing the girl, standing, but with quite a bit of blood on her forehead. The ride was declared in dedication to this girl. If I learn any more details about the situation, I'll post.

Vegan Recipe of the Day

2008-09-24T12:01:00.001-07:00

This installment will teach you how to make bread.

It's simple, I know, but it's also a very good skill to have. Luckily, I've found an instructional video on the subject. Watch it here. And now I'm making bread in this way at least 5 times a week.

See? Easy as 3.14159. Have a nice day.

Construction Worries

2008-09-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

Here's my beef with construction.

Even though you can't see anything in the photo due to its cool artsy nature, this is a blockage around one of the key intersections in Stillwater. It also happened to be directly on the route I ride to and from campus every day.

This has forced me into a pickle.

(Note the second food-based synonym used in this post already, I'm on a roll) (aah! that's number three! lookout!)

For the last week, I've been forced to find different routes to school, which, as a creature of habit such as myself can tell you, is a bit unnerving. I've nearly been killed twice, trying to cross 6th at strange places, and that's two times too many. Worse than being killed, though, is my other experience: being stuck for ten minutes behind a letch in a rusty car, going ten miles an hour around campus, failing miserably at trying to surreptitiously check out sorostitutes walking home from class. It was sickening, and worse yet, only served to shed light on my own surreptitious letching.

The construction and subsequent detours wouldn't bother me that much if I knew that the intersection was going to be better off when it's done. I pay my taxes, I'm all about building bridges and sidewalks and whatnot. But that's the thing. It looks like they're just tearing up concrete for the fun of it. (Although, to be fair, I would imagine that it would be a lot of fun) And you know as well as I, that even though they tore the place up in the space of an afternoon, it's going to take at least two years for them to fix the thing. Whatever the thing was that needed mending.

But for now, I'll continue to risk my life for the sake of my higher education--weaving in and out of rush hour traffic, dodging cars and pedestrians, riding my 25 pound piece of aluminum and rubber down the mean streets, waiting for fate to deliver up a delicious plate of destiny. (FOUR!) Or I'll just take the bus.

Vegan Recipe of the Day

2008-09-16T01:05:00.000-07:00

This is a very special installment of the recipe of the day, and I'll tell you why.

This is the first time this year (except for the cold bits at the beginning) that I've been able to see my breath outside. I know, it's amazing. It's especially cold right now, about 50 degrees, and I had popped outside after finishing my astronomy homework when I noticed this.

I felt that I ought to celebrate this occasion with a bit of fine cuisine. So, without further ado, let the recipe begin.

Ramen Noodles and Coffee

Ingredients: Ramen noodles and coffee

Directions: First get some "oriental" flavored ramen, which happens to be the only kosher flavor that I know of. Then, crumble the noodles into a bowl...oh, you know how to do it. It's 3am and I'm tired. Enjoy.

Just a few things.

2008-09-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy this week...but in the meantime:

here are a couple of links detailing how much McCain and Palin hate rape victims.

Article One - McCain
Article Two - Palin

Despicable People, both of them.

Well wait, I guess I understand...those damn rape victims! When will they learn?!

UPDATE: I read on the dailykos blog a very plausible explanation for this type of despicable behavior. The article postulates that the reason that these two (Palin, in particular) are against government funding for the rape kits is because contained within each kit, is...a "morning after" emergency contraceptive. There it is. And because of their adherance to a bronze age understanding of biology, in which stopping a small bundle of cells (half of which are from a rapist, mind you) from growing is tantamount to murder. And god says that's bad. Again, I'd like to state clearly that there is not solid evidence to support this, but it's certainly the best explanation I've heard.

I freakin told you!

2008-09-08T02:31:00.000-07:00

Basically, there was a climate study done for the UN that found that the impact caused by the consumption and production of meat in the world was greater than that caused by ALL transportation exhaust. I think it's interesting, though, that the climate chief delivering these results is vegetarian. Conflict of interest or perspicacity on his part? I'll let you decide.

But, as a vegan cyclist, all I've got to say is, "Nyah!"

Here's a link to an article from the BBC on the subject.

End of August (Sort of) Critical Mass!

2008-09-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, here it is. Critical Mass is a week late, but it's worth the wait! Can you feel it?

[No Photo Available]

I can't. I missed the ride.

I thought it started at six, okay? Sue me.

So instead of riding my bike about town in a carefree manner with 16 other hipsters on fixies, I got to sit under a tree, and talk philosophy with my good (and shirtless on this occasion (yep, better not to ask)) buddy, Tim, until the rest of the hooligans returned.

Note that the only bike left upright is Lucy, featured in the foreground.

At which point we talked not of philosophy, but of old Pete and Pete episodes, and we laughed. And there was much merriment to be had. But alas! The merriment which I experienced, sitting there among the others, was nothing more than a pale mirror of its pure form.

But, there was a dude doing some fixie trixies...that made me feel a bit better.

Labor Day Half-Century

2008-09-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

I know this is a couple of days late, but I don't care.

Lucy and I went out early early (7:30am) on Monday morning on a ride to Perkins, OK, just south of Stillwater [the route I took can be found below]

The morning was beautiful; it was just the right time to see the soft morning mist rising up over the fields, brilliantly backlit by the rising sun.

Of course, I don't have a picture of any of this because the batteries in my camera died just minutes before I left. Trust me, it was awesome.

The ride went fairly smoothly, although I took a road south of Perkins which dead-ended about five miles in, so I had to do a there-and-back to get back to town.

When I had finally gotten back to Stillwater, I realized that I only needed eight more miles to make this ride an even fifty. So I milled about town in a very boring, haphazard way until I got to the desired mileage.

All considered it was very fun, my longest ride yet, and a pretty good way of putting off homework on labor day.

Date: 9/01/08
Distance: 51.16 mi
Time: 3:02:14
Avg Speed: 16.8 mph
Best Speed: 36.8 mph

Why you shouldn't bike in the rain.

2008-08-31T01:17:00.001-07:00

I was saddened this friday by the news that, due to rain, the Critical Mass bike ride (which would've been my first) was going to be bumped to next week. Dejectedly, and without purpose, I set off to bike home, in the cold, indifferent rain.

I had done this many times before, even at night, without significant problem. Although on those dark+rainy='doubleplus scary' nights I would ride home, without a headlight, terrified, repeating the mantra, "...I'm gonna make it, they're just puddles, they're just puddles, no potholes, no potholes..." but the point is, until friday I've always made it home without major incident.

Not that I'm calling what happened a major incident, mind you.

But I fell, in a semi-spectacular way.

I was rounding a corner, in the parking lot of my apartment complex, when I began to slide. Slide in the sense of the Vin Diesel sliding a motorcycle on its side under a semi, sliding. It was exactly as the movies depicted it, except for the fact that I slid the whole of two feet, mostly on my ankle and handlebar, and somehow when it was done the first two toes of my left foot were jammed into the spokes of my front wheel and I was left with a bleeding (not too badly) ankle and a bruised knee. They never show Vin Diesel's toes stuck in a wheel. Bah.

For being shod in only flip-flops, the injury was surprisingly minor.

So, I walked Lucy, unharmed save for a misaligned front wheel and a badly misshapen right pedal, back to the apartment, where I had a good laugh about the whole situation over a glass of water and a handfull of Ibu and Aspirin.

[For posterity's sake, I reenacted the toe portion of the accident, the photo of which can be found below.]

Don't ask me how it happened, but that's how I found my foot.

An Atheist Goes to Church - II

2008-08-31T00:35:00.000-07:00

and the story of how I was once again decieved by the religious establishment.

It started last week, when flyers were posted around campus which shouted something along the lines of, "Tired of the 'New Atheism?!' Learn how to best protect and defend your faith againsts the swarms of hell-spawn heathens!" (Embellishment added)

But basically, it was a talk on how to defend against people like myself. Now, being the sly nonbelievers that we are, about six or seven of us from OSSO decided to give this thing a visit. Like soviet spies making their way into a pentagon war briefing, we set out for the Baptist Campus Ministry (which henceforth will be referred to as the BCM). And what we found there, ladies and gentlemen, was disturbing.

It seems that it was a trap. Not a trap in the conventional sense of the word, but more like the situation in which a hunter has no intention of even laying a trap, but a rabbit gets caught anyway. It seems that the atheist talk had been canceled.

Not that we knew about it. It took us probably a half hour of repetitive "God, you're so awesome!" praise songs played by a band of wholesome-yet-(christian)-hip college kids with conservative and well groomed facial hair configurations and a sermon which read from the book of Corinthians and concluded with the messages of "God doesn't need you" and "This is a war we can't win." (verbatim) before we realized that the topic of our own evil was not going to be discussed.

Although two of our group walked out at that point, the rest of us stayed through more crappy repetitive praise songs (Listen, god knows how great he is, alright? he doesn't need you to repeat it eight thousand times, much less while swaying with your eyes closes and hands in the air like you're listening to run DMC. Enough already.) and a ten minute spiel about signing up for their "Face 2 Face" bible study groups.

"Which one are you going to sign up for?" I excitedly asked Derrick, sitting beside me.
"Oh, golly! All of them! I don't want to miss a thing!" he replied. We giggled.

After the debaucle was over, we congregated in the parking lot, eager to vent our frustrations and incredulity over the event just witnessed. That night was a long one, discussing their logical fallacies and inconsistencies at the nearby House of Godlessness, in which two of the group of heathens lived. We laughed at the silly people that night, until the night drew thin and cold, and went went separately to bed, having collected further proof of the absurdity of it all.

Question: When is a wheel+tube not a wheel+tube?

2008-08-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

Answer: When it's a freakin' piece of crap. Like Lucy's rear wheel.

It's gone flat [read: blown out] twice in as many days, forcing me to walk her home each time. There's a problem with the spoke wells along the inside of the rim, the tube tends to blow out at these weak points. This is not good.

So far, duct tape has not solved the problem, which means that the situation is truly dire.

Updates to follow.

Update:Fixed for now. I fixed it the same way I fix every other problem in my life. More duct tape. Lots of it. Bring it on, world.

Vegan Recipe of the Day!

2008-08-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:
anything but meat, eggs, or dairy.

Instructions:
1. Prepare food as is customary.
2. Dig in.

mmm...tastes like freedom.

Barack Obama's VP - Holy Crap!

2008-08-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning, checked the ol' facebook, and what do I see in my updates folder? A message from the Obama campaign declaring his pick for VP - Joe Biden.

Holy crap. Were I eating cereal while reading that sentence, my computer screen would almost certainly have been showered by an incredulous blast of soy milk and coco-roos. Joe Biden?! This decision is either going to be the very best or the very worst thing that could happen to the Obama campain.

Let me start off first with a little talk about why I love Joe Biden. He was best described on reddit.com as a "motherf***ing badass", and rightly so, in my opinion. The one thing that I've liked about him from the very beginning, this is back when there were still eighteen people running for the democratic nomination, mind you, is that he's not afraid to speak his mind. If you were curious enough to click on the above youtube link, you'll know that his vitriolic speech is pretty indicative of Joe Biden when he gets passionate about something. I like that. We don't need another Pelosi in the democratic leadership.

But this is also what makes me a bit wary of Joe. He has, many times, gotten himself in some trouble for so candidly letting opinions fly, even for his comments on Obama. The media monkeys and their junket junkies are just going to love picking Biden apart. They know that, especially when provoked, Biden's going to give some good, controversial sound bites for Faux News to drool over. And when the average voter cares more about Reverend Wright or Obama's secret Islamic leanings than, say, the faltering economy or the faltering war, sound bites will make a difference. Never count out the ingnorance vote, it will make a difference.

So, in conclusion, I'm still unbelievably happy about this decision, because from what I've seen, Joe Biden does not mess around when it comes to politics. In the era of our floundering democratic congress, and Pelosi all but giving sanctuary to a criminal, it's going to be nice to get a president and vice-pres who can whip (hidden pun, hehe) congress into shape.

Yes, I'm already assuming that they've won...but look at who they're running against.

Late night posting gone awry!

2008-08-23T02:01:00.000-07:00

Restarting the blog (for the second time, technically) sounds like a great idea (at 4am). We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Post-Hiatus Post-Massacre

2007-05-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

(The title sounded flashy, so I went with it. Trying to bring in the younger demographic.)

So anyway, I've been gone from the lovely world of the internet for a while, due to lots of paperwork for my various colleges and moving back home and whatnot...but I'm back and ready to do some posting. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Priceless

2007-04-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

(Click to enlarge picture)

You know, I've always wondered who to call when I needed to install my new groin vault.

Droverstock 2007 Art Contest

2007-04-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

These are from the [see title].

This one is the winner in my book, combining the work of Salvador Dali, Van Gogh, Munch, and...somebody else. That's right, you don't spend two years at an arts college and not pick up a little art history.

These are my three runners-up.

This is Dr. Wacky-Waving-Inflatable-Arms-Flailing-Tube-Man, professional art critic.

The Easter Miracle, From the Book of Fish Candool

2007-04-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

And yea, it came to pass that after three days, the small stone tomb which had long lain silent, stirred with the activity of new life.

The roughly hewn block of granite covering the entrance, once thought immovable, stirred amidst its dusty surroundings. The stirring became movement, and the movement became a great heaving motion which cast the stone far from the tomb's entrance, allowing the light of day to once again grace the figure within.

"Jesus, that thing is heavy!" he shouted, nearly falling to the ground with exhaustion. Moments later, while patting the rest of the sand from his white fur, the small rabbit looked back at the tomb. "You could've helped me, you know."

Jesus stepped forward into the daylight, frowning at his wrinkled robe, "Oh wait," he replied sarcastically, "which one of us had been dead for three days? and all they gave me was this lousy shroud...who's turin anyway? It's like a motel 6 in there. I died for their sins, you know."

"I know, you've told me a million times. Aren't you supposed to be meek?"

Jesus shrugged, "Yeah, I guess," and suddenly an idea struck, "Hey, we should make a holiday out of this, you know, like we did with my birthday, and we'll call it Christ-something..."

"No way man," the bunny interjected, "You get all of the good days named after you,"

"No, I named Lent after Lenny the disciple--"

"Only because he was stoned to death that day," the bunny corrected.

The Christ sighed and sat on a nearby rock to fix his sandals, "So what, you want me to name it after you? What kind of a name is Easter for a holiday? It won't go over at all with the PR department."

"Aw come on man, I haven't even been mentioned in the Bible yet, not once, and all because your precious PR department thinks that a talking rabbit disciple is 'too creepy for the younger demographic'. I deserve this much, do it and I'll shut up for the rest of the day."

"Alright, fine. But don't blame me when the focus groups bomb"

"Don't worry about that, the kids will love it. I'm gonna hide eggs."

And so it came to pass that each year on the anniversary of this day there was to be much mirth, and much money spent on merchandise, and many royalties were had by all.

Physics is Phunny

2007-04-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

Pearls Before Swine, sophisticated humor.

Alpha Lambda Delta induction + Band Concert = Busy Day

2007-03-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

(The last time I'd worn that suit was during my induction last year)

The Droverspirit Wind Ensemble

Whatever-that-guy's-name-is posing with Bob Sanders(red vest) after the huge blowout finale song for concert playing time.

Into the Wild: A Vacation by James Hazelton

2007-03-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Our protagonist: not pictured

A few scenic views of the scenery from the Hazelton Ranch, recently established near Trinidad, CO.

Due to unconventional real estate incentives, each new land purchase includes a free dog.

A scene as seen from our scenic scenery showing a view of the views.

Chapter e^6 ≈ Ch 403.4288

2007-03-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

"You will never see an 'Escalator Out of Service' sign...only 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs"

-Mitch Hedberg

Chapter 4 - The Descent Into Madness

2007-03-02T00:16:00.000-08:00

Fun with stationary pictures

2007-02-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

...and then they were best friends.

St. Commercialism-tine's day

2007-02-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

First of all...IN YO FACE, AL GORE! You might have been elected to be our president, but what do you know about global warming?

That's right, it has snowed, once again.

Afterwards, Sunny and I went out to the finest Mexican eating establishment ever established for eating, El Chico.

Here is the top-shelf guac, being lovingly prepared by our waiter, Ben.

Sometimes people ask me, "James, how can I be as classy as you?"

and I tell them, "there's nothing more romantic than a salsa heart in a sea of frijoles."

Those Wacky Professors

2007-01-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to throw up a few quotes from my teachers. Sometimes I'm afraid the professors are crazier than I am.

" ...and then they figured out how to refine it further into crack...so no one cares about free-basing anymore when you can smoke the stuff."
-Dr. Reigh, Professor of Chemistry

"Approximatelyish"
-Dr. MacDonald, Professor of Mathematics, when asked about the validity of an particular answer.

"Sometimes people do collapse in lab"
-Dr. Thomas, Professor of Chemistry

"You know, the Beatles sounded pretty good with only four guys...imagine what we can do with 28."
-Dr. Hanson, Professor of Music

Brand New Biblical Text Discovered!

2007-01-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone else has heard about this yet, but I'm here to give the scoop before it gets to the mainstream media.

It is true that a new book of the bible was recently unearthed. It is also true that several scholars spent the past three weeks working day and night to decipher what could possibly be the most important discovery for christianity of the 21st century.

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict announced publicly that the newest addition to the newest of testaments will be printed in every bible starting february 1st.

The new book, apparently written by one of Jesus' most trusted companions, the fish candool, is a trove of new information about the social and religious leader.

Here we find an artist's rendition of one of the most important scenes from the text, which reveals a new insight into the years before Jesus rose to become the messiah. (Click on the photo if you cannot read the dialogue)

Many critics of the validity of the new document point out the fact that fish candool is not mentioned anywhere in the new testament, or for that matter, anywhere in the bible. Therefore a special committee of cardinals has been created to discuss whether this book should form a completely newer testament, entitled, the newer testament. The committe is said to convene some time later this year.

Samples from the Book of fish candool shows the depth and clarity of the language, something which will undoubtedly attract people to the newer testament, which reads as follows:

"...and yea, fish candool said to them, 'Look not at what thy neighbor hast done, rather, at the new boat they had acquired because of it..." fish candool 10:36

"...fish candool not only gave the people warmth, and light, but shone upon them from its burning wick of truth. And it was in this, the second most holy of lights, that the people found their innermost faults displayed in clear relief against the backdrop of the once joyous occasion..." fish candool 36:10

A discovery like this one spans not only over all Christian denominations, but truly, over the entire world. The name of fish candool, shall live forever in the hearts, and minds, of all.

I've just been reading a lot

2007-01-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

Blizzard of '07 - Continued

2007-01-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of Ebony and Ivory, the USAO married ducks, standing on our frozen creek.

Really it's more of a crick, but for those of you that don't know the difference, that's just because you don't live around rednecks.

A few USAO students enjoying their day of cancelled classes by sliding on our frozen winter wonderland.

It caved in just minutes later, killing several of those involved.

The Blizzard of '07

2007-01-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

Santa, once again back in his element.

Me, finally getting to wear some of my winter weather gear.

Sunny and Big Red, both wearing their jackets.s

Making sleet angels.

New Post

2007-01-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've waited long enough and nothing important has happened.
Time to make up a new post.
New year's resolutions, those are pretty popular!
I guess.
No, really, everybody's doing it.
Fine, fine, but I'm going to change it up.
Sure, inner monologue, do what you want.
Wait, I thought that was you...

JAmes HAzelton's List of Things I Resolve NOT to Do.

1. Get arrested
2. Be known on the channel four news as "Unknown Assailant"
3. Assail anyone.
4. Fail to destroy the "standard" system of measurements...Long live M.K.S.!!
5. End the year without some sort of facial hair configuration.
6. Unilaterally demilitarize the world and move the new cache of mass destroying weapons into my closet for safe keeping.
7. Stop the propagation of said weapons in order to alleviate the sudden and unprecedented rise of unexplained explosions on campus.
8. To not discontinue the cessation of not using multiple negatives in my speech.

Fun With Moving Pictures - 2

2006-12-21T00:42:00.000-08:00

Wait, can you hear that?

2006-12-12T02:23:00.000-08:00

lol, I think I hear a New Year's resolution forming...

The last day/night/morning of the semester.

2006-12-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

The Chickasha sunrise as seen from my apartment. Due to my nocturnal nature, I don't get to see many of these.

Although, thanks to my physics final, I was awake until 8:15 am this morning. yay.

But the semester is finally over, and I'll be a junior in January. Hooray.

follow-up

2006-12-06T01:24:00.000-08:00

Let it first be known that the delayed nature of this post is due to the lack of sleep in the day preceding the day of tests and sadness, and is in no way related to the intrinsic laziness of the writer or writers herein.

Let it also be known that the opinions and viewpoints expressed here do not necessarily reflect the opinions and/or viewpoints of James Hazelton and/or James Hazelton inc.

Let it penultimately be known that James Hazelton and the affiliates of James Hazelton inc. will hereby be referred to using the title of Ace Captain Commander (#1) and any other address of said person(s) will be construed as deliberate slander and the offender will be pursued with the full force of the law.

Let it ultimately be known that James Hazelton, as sole proprietor of James Hazelton inc. has the full legal authority to edit and/or censor his own writings and will do so in the future and, if he so wishes, in the past.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, the tests went ok. Although, after the famous "end of the semester all you can eat late night breakfast" I was too conkered out and full of delicious breakfast food items to stay awake for more than fifteen minutes. Upon regaining consciousness eleven or twelve hours later, I tried to enroll, but my advisor wasn't in his office.

Long story shortened...a very exciting day.

Lunes, el dia de pruebas y tristeza.

2006-12-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

(Monday, the day of tests and sadness)

Tomorrow is finals week rolled into a single day.
5 classes
4 finals
1 delicious Mexican dinner.

I have a few more hours to study before it's once again into the breach.

But with Santa, my fish, and Jeebus at my side, I stand ready.

**Stay tuned for the exiting conclusion tomorrow night**

Chapter 21 - The Blizzard of '06

2006-11-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I said to myself, "Sure, it'll get cold, but no way is is going to snow. It's seventy degrees out! I'm wearing shorts!" Then today when I realized it was snowing I said to myself, "Sure, it's snowing, but it'll never stick." and now, with 4 inches of snow on the ground, I rethink my statements.

That's right, more snow than all of last year's snowfalls combined has fallen in the course of 24 hours. And it stuck! It's a christmas miracle!

Santa, finally back in his element.

oh, and on an unrelated note, everyone should watch this.

Charlie The Unicorn

Fun With Moving Pictures

2006-11-28T00:52:00.000-08:00

If the movie isn't showing, that means that youtube.com is still down.

Chapter 0 - the prelude

2006-11-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally got a digi-cam, so I can start to do this thing right. I'm just playing around with it right now, so I'm just going to post some preliminary pictures. You all get the opportunity of a behind the scenes peek of how I live my luxurious life.

Me, in a deliberately casual photo.

My extensive collection of lit-er-a-ture.

Fine artwork.

only the finest of foods, topped off with the finest in imported chile sauce.

That's right, and I expect Robin Leech here any day now...

THANXSTRAVAGANZA!!

2006-11-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

This thanksgiving I'm going to be spending most of my time at the Wal, working hard for the money...so hard for the money... but with the amazing technological breakthroughs of today there's no reason why I can't still sit down for a nice thanksgiving dinner with a few friends.

As you can see we had quite a spread this year. Everybody brought a dish, which I think just makes it easier on everybody, and yes, I know that peeps are a little unorthodox, but George had some left over from easter and we just couldn't let those go to waste.

This is a very candid moment between some of my guests this year. George was arguing with Wizard-Frog about who was going to carve the tofurky, (we all know how those two can be, especially around the holidays) tensions were a bit heated until I just told everybody to skip the carving, grab a spoon, and dig in. Also shown are my good friends Todd Barry and Fred Armisen.

That's all from this year's party, I hope to see you next year. Happy Thanksgiving.

Chapter 3.141592653589793

2006-11-20T00:18:00.001-08:00

...after saving yet another civilization from its once certain destruction, Ace Captain Commander James Hazelton returned to his modest oklahoma apartment. Once upon the threshold, stepping over numerous bodies of the ninjas sent to ambush him, he found comfort in sleep.

His unconscious form felt not the bulk of the space armor which had saved his life on so many occasions and for the first time in far too long, he dreamed.

He dreamt of many things, fleeting visions in the darkness of his mind's eye, but one vision persisted. A vision of things to come, of events which have yet come to pass, of a place many had called Tulsa...

Chaper 18.

2006-11-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

When last we left our hero, he had been stranded in a horrifying parallel universe.
A universe in which the laws of physics remained intact, but the laws of grammar were nowhere to be found.
A universe in which the youth spends more money on car stereo equipment than they do on their educations.
A universe in which the concept of "burn more calories than you consume in order to lose weight" is nonexistent in the minds of the 300 lb gargantuans aimlessly roaming the aisles of wal-mart.
A universe in which, when you dress up as Julius Caesar for halloween, no one has a clue who you're talking about.
And the most horrifying of all...even the women have mullets.

Oh wait, no, nevermind. It's just Chickasha.

Chapter One.

2006-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

...and that was the day that ramen noodles changed my life...forever.