Saturday, May 5, 2007

Post-Hiatus Post-Massacre

(The title sounded flashy, so I went with it. Trying to bring in the younger demographic.)

So anyway, I've been gone from the lovely world of the internet for a while, due to lots of paperwork for my various colleges and moving back home and whatnot...but I'm back and ready to do some posting. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


(Click to enlarge picture)

You know, I've always wondered who to call when I needed to install my new groin vault.

Droverstock 2007 Art Contest

These are from the [see title].

This one is the winner in my book, combining the work of Salvador Dali, Van Gogh, Munch, and...somebody else. That's right, you don't spend two years at an arts college and not pick up a little art history.

These are my three runners-up.

This is Dr. Wacky-Waving-Inflatable-Arms-Flailing-Tube-Man, professional art critic.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

The Easter Miracle, From the Book of Fish Candool

And yea, it came to pass that after three days, the small stone tomb which had long lain silent, stirred with the activity of new life.

The roughly hewn block of granite covering the entrance, once thought immovable, stirred amidst its dusty surroundings. The stirring became movement, and the movement became a great heaving motion which cast the stone far from the tomb's entrance, allowing the light of day to once again grace the figure within.

"Jesus, that thing is heavy!" he shouted, nearly falling to the ground with exhaustion. Moments later, while patting the rest of the sand from his white fur, the small rabbit looked back at the tomb. "You could've helped me, you know."

Jesus stepped forward into the daylight, frowning at his wrinkled robe, "Oh wait," he replied sarcastically, "which one of us had been dead for three days? and all they gave me was this lousy shroud...who's turin anyway? It's like a motel 6 in there. I died for their sins, you know."

"I know, you've told me a million times. Aren't you supposed to be meek?"

Jesus shrugged, "Yeah, I guess," and suddenly an idea struck, "Hey, we should make a holiday out of this, you know, like we did with my birthday, and we'll call it Christ-something..."

"No way man," the bunny interjected, "You get all of the good days named after you,"

"No, I named Lent after Lenny the disciple--"

"Only because he was stoned to death that day," the bunny corrected.

The Christ sighed and sat on a nearby rock to fix his sandals, "So what, you want me to name it after you? What kind of a name is Easter for a holiday? It won't go over at all with the PR department."

"Aw come on man, I haven't even been mentioned in the Bible yet, not once, and all because your precious PR department thinks that a talking rabbit disciple is 'too creepy for the younger demographic'. I deserve this much, do it and I'll shut up for the rest of the day."

"Alright, fine. But don't blame me when the focus groups bomb"

"Don't worry about that, the kids will love it. I'm gonna hide eggs."

And so it came to pass that each year on the anniversary of this day there was to be much mirth, and much money spent on merchandise, and many royalties were had by all.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Physics is Phunny

Pearls Before Swine, sophisticated humor.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Alpha Lambda Delta induction + Band Concert = Busy Day

(The last time I'd worn that suit was during my induction last year)

The Droverspirit Wind Ensemble

Whatever-that-guy's-name-is posing with Bob Sanders(red vest) after the huge blowout finale song for concert playing time.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Into the Wild: A Vacation by James Hazelton

Our protagonist: not pictured

A few scenic views of the scenery from the Hazelton Ranch, recently established near Trinidad, CO.

Due to unconventional real estate incentives, each new land purchase includes a free dog.

A scene as seen from our scenic scenery showing a view of the views.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Chapter e^6 ≈ Ch 403.4288

"You will never see an 'Escalator Out of Service' sign...only 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs"

-Mitch Hedberg

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Fun with stationary pictures

...and then they were best friends.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

St. Commercialism-tine's day

First of all...IN YO FACE, AL GORE! You might have been elected to be our president, but what do you know about global warming?

That's right, it has snowed, once again.

Afterwards, Sunny and I went out to the finest Mexican eating establishment ever established for eating, El Chico.

Here is the top-shelf guac, being lovingly prepared by our waiter, Ben.

Sometimes people ask me, "James, how can I be as classy as you?"

and I tell them, "there's nothing more romantic than a salsa heart in a sea of frijoles."

Monday, January 29, 2007

Those Wacky Professors

I just wanted to throw up a few quotes from my teachers. Sometimes I'm afraid the professors are crazier than I am.

" ...and then they figured out how to refine it further into no one cares about free-basing anymore when you can smoke the stuff."
-Dr. Reigh, Professor of Chemistry

-Dr. MacDonald, Professor of Mathematics, when asked about the validity of an particular answer.

"Sometimes people do collapse in lab"
-Dr. Thomas, Professor of Chemistry

"You know, the Beatles sounded pretty good with only four guys...imagine what we can do with 28."
-Dr. Hanson, Professor of Music

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Brand New Biblical Text Discovered!

I don't know if anyone else has heard about this yet, but I'm here to give the scoop before it gets to the mainstream media.

It is true that a new book of the bible was recently unearthed. It is also true that several scholars spent the past three weeks working day and night to decipher what could possibly be the most important discovery for christianity of the 21st century.

Earlier this week, Pope Benedict announced publicly that the newest addition to the newest of testaments will be printed in every bible starting february 1st.

The new book, apparently written by one of Jesus' most trusted companions, the fish candool, is a trove of new information about the social and religious leader.

Here we find an artist's rendition of one of the most important scenes from the text, which reveals a new insight into the years before Jesus rose to become the messiah. (Click on the photo if you cannot read the dialogue)

Many critics of the validity of the new document point out the fact that fish candool is not mentioned anywhere in the new testament, or for that matter, anywhere in the bible. Therefore a special committee of cardinals has been created to discuss whether this book should form a completely newer testament, entitled, the newer testament. The committe is said to convene some time later this year.

Samples from the Book of fish candool shows the depth and clarity of the language, something which will undoubtedly attract people to the newer testament, which reads as follows:

"...and yea, fish candool said to them, 'Look not at what thy neighbor hast done, rather, at the new boat they had acquired because of it..." fish candool 10:36

" candool not only gave the people warmth, and light, but shone upon them from its burning wick of truth. And it was in this, the second most holy of lights, that the people found their innermost faults displayed in clear relief against the backdrop of the once joyous occasion..." fish candool 36:10

A discovery like this one spans not only over all Christian denominations, but truly, over the entire world. The name of fish candool, shall live forever in the hearts, and minds, of all.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Monday, January 15, 2007

Blizzard of '07 - Continued

Here's a picture of Ebony and Ivory, the USAO married ducks, standing on our frozen creek.

Really it's more of a crick, but for those of you that don't know the difference, that's just because you don't live around rednecks.

A few USAO students enjoying their day of cancelled classes by sliding on our frozen winter wonderland.

It caved in just minutes later, killing several of those involved.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Blizzard of '07

Santa, once again back in his element.

Me, finally getting to wear some of my winter weather gear.

Sunny and Big Red, both wearing their jackets.s

Making sleet angels.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

New Post

Ok, I've waited long enough and nothing important has happened.
Time to make up a new post.
New year's resolutions, those are pretty popular!
I guess.
No, really, everybody's doing it.
Fine, fine, but I'm going to change it up.
Sure, inner monologue, do what you want.
Wait, I thought that was you...

JAmes HAzelton's List of Things I Resolve NOT to Do.

1. Get arrested
2. Be known on the channel four news as "Unknown Assailant"
3. Assail anyone.
4. Fail to destroy the "standard" system of measurements...Long live M.K.S.!!
5. End the year without some sort of facial hair configuration.
6. Unilaterally demilitarize the world and move the new cache of mass destroying weapons into my closet for safe keeping.
7. Stop the propagation of said weapons in order to alleviate the sudden and unprecedented rise of unexplained explosions on campus.
8. To not discontinue the cessation of not using multiple negatives in my speech.